it’s all a matter of self acceptance.

ok, so he’s noisy again, my neighbour that is.
What a song and dance I seem to making of it- I know. But these things are never about the trigger, it’s a deeper issue here. And, my neighbour is obligingly holding up a mirror for me again.
I went straight to sleep when I got into bed last night- pure heaven it was. Then- 12.30a.m. he starts crashing around. I was angry- so so angry. I don’t like being angry- anger is my least favourite. I want to be all sweetness and light. But, undeniably, anger was and is there. I slept again. 5.30 a.m. he gets up- I wake. I don’t go back to sleep. Again- another night of not enough sleep for me- my eyes are sore and I’m sick of suffering my days because I haven’t rested well. It feels I would be challenged even if my kidneys were functioning fully.
So- I get up, I do my yoga practise, I eat my breakfast and go on with my day. He is still sleeping at this point. I open a cupboard and knock a bunch of coats off their hooks- I am angry!!! Angry angry angry!!! It made a noise. The anger jumped onto him- my neighbour- I feel furious with him (because I made a noise), and that’s when I discover the ‘more’ of the situation. The ‘more’ being- what else is going on here. I see that I do not allow myself to make any noise, and then of course, this translates to- ‘no one else is allowed to make any noise.’
As a child I was told off if anything was loud- cupboard or car doors banging, even chewing or breathing too loud!! In retrospect I can see that this was simply due to the adults around me being in their minds- any noise snapped them back to reality- a reality which they would rather avoid.
So here I am now- 34 years old and still living by the rules, (and holding everyone else to the rules too). I think it’s about time I challenged that particular rule, don’t you?

Happy Tuesday every one. It’s sunny and beautiful here, even through these sleep deprived eyes 😉

New beginnings

Starting something new seems to bring about a strange mixed feeling in me. Something between, or somehow a combined version of-euphoria and terror. This year so far has been incredible. One new thing after another- out of my comfort zone doesn’t cover it. I have hardly slept with the anxiety. But I’m not off track- I feel it. I used to take anxiety as a sign that I was somehow doing something wrong- but at the moment, it seems to be arising because I am doing something new. Which, I guess, to the mammalian brain which is wired for survival- New is threatening- New is an unknown entity- New is the potential for death. And in some ways it is a death of something. A deviation from an old way of being. What we do does impact us, it does change us, we do come out the other side of our life experiences different to who we were when we went in-an old version of ourselves has died, something is post-war layers removed, skins shed. And its good. We are breaking New territory- claiming new ground. We are explorers moving through this life, checking off lessons; growing, expanding, connecting. It’s hard sometimes- but it’s just so so beautiful too.
All love, Lisa xxx

change what’s inside and the outside changes.

So, my noisy neighbour. Things changed.

Every time he woke me up, crashing around his flat like a bull elephant, I felt the annoyance, I cried the tears. I got up, out of bed and wrote…and wrote…and wrote. I looked at what memories it was triggering- I looked at where else in my life similar situations were playing out, I looked at where I was being noisy (internally or externally). Then I slept well- for 3 solid nights. Bizarrely I thought nothing of it.

After that, I got a message from my neighbour asking if the noise had reduced- I realised it had, I asked what had changed. He has covered the bare floor with rugs!

Enough said.

there is no objective reality…

this much clarifies itself for me over and over again. My noisy neighbour is a teacher for me in this respect. His noise either prevents me falling asleep, or wakes me up at some point in the night or early in the morning, every day.
And almost every day I have a subtly different response to it.
People are telling me a whole bunch of different things that they may do in my situation- but I have a sense that action isn’t really the answer. This man is a teacher for me.
I have spoken to him kindly SEVERAL times, I got angry with him once, I have shouted through the ceiling at him on another occasion- none of these attempts to change the situation have yielded any fruit that has lasted more than a couple of days.
I want to think that the objective reality is that he is an insensitive arse, yet when I look at that, I cannot know for sure that this is true. Because if it were absolutely True- it would be consistent- and its not. I see a deep sensitivity in him sometimes.
So I have to look at what I am projecting. He is a good one to project into- I am aware of him every single day, yet I very very rarely come into contact with him in the winter, when everyone is pretty much doing their thing and then hibernating again. I get to throw everything at him in my mind and not to his face, so I can get away with it.
Here’s the thing- I don’t want to get away with it.
I want the Truth, that’s why I’m here. I want all this bullshit to unravel, because I know that on the other side of it is a peace greater than the mind can fathom.
So this morning- I have to look at that- feel the feeling of disrespect towards him, see where I don’t respect myself. I need to look at its opposite- the feeling of awe, and see where I feel like that about myself. I need to reclaim all these parts. I don’t want to waste my energy chucking them around any longer. I don’t want to kid myself anymore that it is the fault of the other, in this case my neighbour- in my experience, it is not.
So many beings are telling me to stand up for myself- but all the times I have tried have not helped and I ended up feeling more powerless. So I must change this situation from the inside- that is authentic power. What happens may stay the same, but at least out of the situation- I will be more awake, more aware, and hopefully a little more free.

I just to add, that I don’t intend to advise anyone through what I am sharing on this blog. It is how I see the particular situations that are arising in my life, and how I am feeling to deal with them on any particular day. Tomorrow I may feel differently, and almost certainly – your situations will need to be tackled in whatever way is called for and felt by You to be correct.

All love to you, and thank you so much for reading- I really appreciate it.
Lisa xx

The weakness of ‘not good enough’

​I was reading through fellow bloggers posts this morning, finding such beauty in the words of these complete strangers. Strangers in one way, yet I know them all- the way they weave their words, describing with such eloquence, the beauty of Being and the challenge of our shared humanity. 
Then (and he didn’t come as a surprise), I notice a greyness approaching…a familiar voice comes in- I would bet everything that you know him too. He is the one that says, in one form or another – that you are ‘not good enough’. I watch him creep into my awareness subtly. He is grey and sly, he sneaks in through the back door. If I wasn’t paying attention he could get in unnoticed- then before I realised what was happening- he would have sprawled himself out on the sofa, dropped crumbs everywhere, turned the tv up too loud, and basically taken over my home.

But I did catch him this time, and, as innocuous as he may appear at first, I know that if I believe his gentle enough opening lines, he has got me- I will find myself inviting him to stay, and- based on previous experience- he is one of the hardest house guests to evict- he is one who long overstays his welcome.

I look at him and see his weakness. His bold, harsh, critical words- all a masquerade. 

I’m not interested. 

He came in to tell me that my writing ‘isnt as good as other people’s’, I look him square in the eye and say ‘so what? It is an expression moving through me right now, I’m not in competition.’ That flummoxes him- he has no power without my collusion, and he has no choice but to slip silently away. Leaving me to free the stream of words onto the page. I have no doubt he will be back, but he isn’t getting supper in my house anymore- he will have to find seek his nourishment elsewhere. 

Toxicity in my blood

​I feel dirty, grubby, toxic, full of poison. my blood is dirty. muck gathers around my joints and organs, it seems to hinder my very breathing. Whether I eat grapes or toast- this toxic feeling is present. it’s worse when I wake in the morning’s. And now, as I sit here on the sofa, wrapped in the snuggliest possible blanket- I reflect on what my day might have in store. It feels stressful, yet if I listed for you the events that are scheduled to take place- you would likely think me a lucky being. Some distant part of me acknowledges that- I do know that my life contains a great many blessings – but in this toxic fog I cannot feel that. All I can feel on an emotional level right now, is anxiety about whether I can manage to do all that appears to need to be done today. I say appears- I have to watch this mind of mine-it is one to conjure up a fictitious to do list and hold me to it regardless off how the body feels about that!

I become aware of a rumbling anxiety in my belly, and at the base of my spine sits pure terror about what will become of this body. My jaw is clenched, my shoulders and neck tight, my belly can’t relax. It takes a lot to relax these days. It’s like I’m bracing myself against feeling ill- a rather ineffective strategy, I must admit.