the necessity of the ‘why’

I have been noticing recently that when I add something new to my routine, some things are super easy for me to stick to, and others things feel impossible and fall away after a few days.
I looked into it today to discover the reason for this. What I found was that the things I can stick to effortlessly all have a very clear purpose. I have an objective in mind when I’m carrying them out- and the desire to reach that specific objective it what carries me through.
For example, I am on day eleven of a forty day Lakshmi Sadhana. I started the Sadhana with the clear intention of calling in more financial abundance. Since starting, I have been much more aware of my finances. I have noticed subtle things that I might not have previously seen- receiving a gas bill and finding I am in credit, all the items I need in the supermarket being on offer, finding money in the street, and so on. It feels like there is some shifting in my finances, in other words. This helps me to feel inspired to continue the practise.
An example of something that I find it hard to stick to is my ‘daily’ yoga practise. I go through periods where I will get up and get on my mat first thing, I will do this for a few days, and its a great start to the day, but it always falls away really quickly. Instead I might opt to do morning pages, or spend some extra time in bed. It doesn’t stick. When I enquire into the reason for this, I discover that there is ambiguity around what I am hoping to get out of it. I see that every time I get on my mat, I seem to receive a gift- whether this is the letting go of something that no longer serves, some kind of insight or clarity…but I do not have a clear purpose for my practise.
For years I had this feeling -‘i can’t stick to anything’, and that seemed to be true, over and over. The fact of the matter is- I can stick to things- but only when I am very clear about why I am doing them, and what I am hoping they will bring to my life.
Pin down the ‘why’.

Much love, and blessed be, Lisa xx

7 generations from now…

We are entering Aquarius, the visionary of the zodiac. The one who can see into the future. As a consequence of this, I have been prompted to meditate on the impact of my actions a little more. A Dear teacher of mine spoke about invisiging the effect that my present day actions may have on people living 7 generations from now, and the planet, 7 generations from now. That was an impactful thought. I have found myself, since that statement, becoming acutely aware of everything I throw ‘away’. Where is ‘away’, after all? There IS no ‘away’! We live on this Earth, the waste we generate stays on this Earth- there is nowhere see to put it.
Facebook is covered in photos of turtles swimming through plastic floatsam. Now IS the time to act, tomorrow is too late. Today I have been repeatedly shocked at how easily and freely I open the bin to put things in- when perhaps I never needed to bring those things into my orbit to start with. I know I can’t overhaul it all in a day, so I started small. Today I ordered a ‘no junk mail’ sticker for my letterbox, and contacted Royal Mail to ask for a form to apply to opt out of receiving flyers from the postman. It’s a start, wish me luck 🙂

big love to all, Lisa

it’s all a matter of self acceptance.

ok, so he’s noisy again, my neighbour that is.
What a song and dance I seem to making of it- I know. But these things are never about the trigger, it’s a deeper issue here. And, my neighbour is obligingly holding up a mirror for me again.
I went straight to sleep when I got into bed last night- pure heaven it was. Then- 12.30a.m. he starts crashing around. I was angry- so so angry. I don’t like being angry- anger is my least favourite. I want to be all sweetness and light. But, undeniably, anger was and is there. I slept again. 5.30 a.m. he gets up- I wake. I don’t go back to sleep. Again- another night of not enough sleep for me- my eyes are sore and I’m sick of suffering my days because I haven’t rested well. It feels I would be challenged even if my kidneys were functioning fully.
So- I get up, I do my yoga practise, I eat my breakfast and go on with my day. He is still sleeping at this point. I open a cupboard and knock a bunch of coats off their hooks- I am angry!!! Angry angry angry!!! It made a noise. The anger jumped onto him- my neighbour- I feel furious with him (because I made a noise), and that’s when I discover the ‘more’ of the situation. The ‘more’ being- what else is going on here. I see that I do not allow myself to make any noise, and then of course, this translates to- ‘no one else is allowed to make any noise.’
As a child I was told off if anything was loud- cupboard or car doors banging, even chewing or breathing too loud!! In retrospect I can see that this was simply due to the adults around me being in their minds- any noise snapped them back to reality- a reality which they would rather avoid.
So here I am now- 34 years old and still living by the rules, (and holding everyone else to the rules too). I think it’s about time I challenged that particular rule, don’t you?

Happy Tuesday every one. It’s sunny and beautiful here, even through these sleep deprived eyes 😉

New beginnings

Starting something new seems to bring about a strange mixed feeling in me. Something between, or somehow a combined version of-euphoria and terror. This year so far has been incredible. One new thing after another- out of my comfort zone doesn’t cover it. I have hardly slept with the anxiety. But I’m not off track- I feel it. I used to take anxiety as a sign that I was somehow doing something wrong- but at the moment, it seems to be arising because I am doing something new. Which, I guess, to the mammalian brain which is wired for survival- New is threatening- New is an unknown entity- New is the potential for death. And in some ways it is a death of something. A deviation from an old way of being. What we do does impact us, it does change us, we do come out the other side of our life experiences different to who we were when we went in-an old version of ourselves has died, something is post-war layers removed, skins shed. And its good. We are breaking New territory- claiming new ground. We are explorers moving through this life, checking off lessons; growing, expanding, connecting. It’s hard sometimes- but it’s just so so beautiful too.
All love, Lisa xxx

change what’s inside and the outside changes.

So, my noisy neighbour. Things changed.

Every time he woke me up, crashing around his flat like a bull elephant, I felt the annoyance, I cried the tears. I got up, out of bed and wrote…and wrote…and wrote. I looked at what memories it was triggering- I looked at where else in my life similar situations were playing out, I looked at where I was being noisy (internally or externally). Then I slept well- for 3 solid nights. Bizarrely I thought nothing of it.

After that, I got a message from my neighbour asking if the noise had reduced- I realised it had, I asked what had changed. He has covered the bare floor with rugs!

Enough said.

there is no objective reality…

this much clarifies itself for me over and over again. My noisy neighbour is a teacher for me in this respect. His noise either prevents me falling asleep, or wakes me up at some point in the night or early in the morning, every day.
And almost every day I have a subtly different response to it.
People are telling me a whole bunch of different things that they may do in my situation- but I have a sense that action isn’t really the answer. This man is a teacher for me.
I have spoken to him kindly SEVERAL times, I got angry with him once, I have shouted through the ceiling at him on another occasion- none of these attempts to change the situation have yielded any fruit that has lasted more than a couple of days.
I want to think that the objective reality is that he is an insensitive arse, yet when I look at that, I cannot know for sure that this is true. Because if it were absolutely True- it would be consistent- and its not. I see a deep sensitivity in him sometimes.
So I have to look at what I am projecting. He is a good one to project into- I am aware of him every single day, yet I very very rarely come into contact with him in the winter, when everyone is pretty much doing their thing and then hibernating again. I get to throw everything at him in my mind and not to his face, so I can get away with it.
Here’s the thing- I don’t want to get away with it.
I want the Truth, that’s why I’m here. I want all this bullshit to unravel, because I know that on the other side of it is a peace greater than the mind can fathom.
So this morning- I have to look at that- feel the feeling of disrespect towards him, see where I don’t respect myself. I need to look at its opposite- the feeling of awe, and see where I feel like that about myself. I need to reclaim all these parts. I don’t want to waste my energy chucking them around any longer. I don’t want to kid myself anymore that it is the fault of the other, in this case my neighbour- in my experience, it is not.
So many beings are telling me to stand up for myself- but all the times I have tried have not helped and I ended up feeling more powerless. So I must change this situation from the inside- that is authentic power. What happens may stay the same, but at least out of the situation- I will be more awake, more aware, and hopefully a little more free.

I just to add, that I don’t intend to advise anyone through what I am sharing on this blog. It is how I see the particular situations that are arising in my life, and how I am feeling to deal with them on any particular day. Tomorrow I may feel differently, and almost certainly – your situations will need to be tackled in whatever way is called for and felt by You to be correct.

All love to you, and thank you so much for reading- I really appreciate it.
Lisa xx

the core of fear

For a couple of weeks now, I have been busying myself, starting a tonne of new stuff, seeing lots of people.Yet, when I tune in to this body-rest is what it is calling for. Deep deep rest. I’m exhausted. Running on sugar and adrenaline. 

I have a blood test on the 11th and I am petrified. That is what is underlying the busyness. I don’t want to rush, it’s just I’m so fricking scared. When I sit and feel that fear, when it washes over me- it’s ok, I can bear it, but what follows is harder- the feeling of deep aloneness. I live alone, and I have never felt more alone in my whole life. I have the most wonderful dog. He sits beside me through everything, he knows the fear will pass, he maintains his Silence. Deep wisdom resides in his Being. Yet still this aloneness bothers me. It is like the World is empty. I feel so vulnerable that I find myself still hiding all of this and holding all for others too. It’s too much.

I want to rest and be held.
I pray for the courage to keep resting and keep holding all that arises, including this deep Al-oneness.