​Back to the heart where there is nothing to say. 

There is nothing to say from here. Words rise and then fall away, noiselessly- I look on. I feel sensation arising in the body. Fear and guilt and all manner of qualities. I look on. Nothing to say from here. 
I was going to tell you about my blood test, but now it has passed. I sit on the sofa in quietude, gently pondering my plans for the next few days. I can feel the temptation to get into thinking about it. To begin worrying about it. To start trying to control it. I must resist the pull- there is nothing but pain there. Once I am caught by a thought, once I believe just one- I am sucked as if by quicksand, into misery. Best thing to do for me, for now, is to touch not any thoughts at all.

Blessed be.

Toxicity in my blood

​I feel dirty, grubby, toxic, full of poison. my blood is dirty. muck gathers around my joints and organs, it seems to hinder my very breathing. Whether I eat grapes or toast- this toxic feeling is present. it’s worse when I wake in the morning’s. And now, as I sit here on the sofa, wrapped in the snuggliest possible blanket- I reflect on what my day might have in store. It feels stressful, yet if I listed for you the events that are scheduled to take place- you would likely think me a lucky being. Some distant part of me acknowledges that- I do know that my life contains a great many blessings – but in this toxic fog I cannot feel that. All I can feel on an emotional level right now, is anxiety about whether I can manage to do all that appears to need to be done today. I say appears- I have to watch this mind of mine-it is one to conjure up a fictitious to do list and hold me to it regardless off how the body feels about that!

I become aware of a rumbling anxiety in my belly, and at the base of my spine sits pure terror about what will become of this body. My jaw is clenched, my shoulders and neck tight, my belly can’t relax. It takes a lot to relax these days. It’s like I’m bracing myself against feeling ill- a rather ineffective strategy, I must admit.