the necessity of the ‘why’

I have been noticing recently that when I add something new to my routine, some things are super easy for me to stick to, and others things feel impossible and fall away after a few days.
I looked into it today to discover the reason for this. What I found was that the things I can stick to effortlessly all have a very clear purpose. I have an objective in mind when I’m carrying them out- and the desire to reach that specific objective it what carries me through.
For example, I am on day eleven of a forty day Lakshmi Sadhana. I started the Sadhana with the clear intention of calling in more financial abundance. Since starting, I have been much more aware of my finances. I have noticed subtle things that I might not have previously seen- receiving a gas bill and finding I am in credit, all the items I need in the supermarket being on offer, finding money in the street, and so on. It feels like there is some shifting in my finances, in other words. This helps me to feel inspired to continue the practise.
An example of something that I find it hard to stick to is my ‘daily’ yoga practise. I go through periods where I will get up and get on my mat first thing, I will do this for a few days, and its a great start to the day, but it always falls away really quickly. Instead I might opt to do morning pages, or spend some extra time in bed. It doesn’t stick. When I enquire into the reason for this, I discover that there is ambiguity around what I am hoping to get out of it. I see that every time I get on my mat, I seem to receive a gift- whether this is the letting go of something that no longer serves, some kind of insight or clarity…but I do not have a clear purpose for my practise.
For years I had this feeling -‘i can’t stick to anything’, and that seemed to be true, over and over. The fact of the matter is- I can stick to things- but only when I am very clear about why I am doing them, and what I am hoping they will bring to my life.
Pin down the ‘why’.

Much love, and blessed be, Lisa xx

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it’s all a matter of self acceptance.

ok, so he’s noisy again, my neighbour that is.
What a song and dance I seem to making of it- I know. But these things are never about the trigger, it’s a deeper issue here. And, my neighbour is obligingly holding up a mirror for me again.
I went straight to sleep when I got into bed last night- pure heaven it was. Then- 12.30a.m. he starts crashing around. I was angry- so so angry. I don’t like being angry- anger is my least favourite. I want to be all sweetness and light. But, undeniably, anger was and is there. I slept again. 5.30 a.m. he gets up- I wake. I don’t go back to sleep. Again- another night of not enough sleep for me- my eyes are sore and I’m sick of suffering my days because I haven’t rested well. It feels I would be challenged even if my kidneys were functioning fully.
So- I get up, I do my yoga practise, I eat my breakfast and go on with my day. He is still sleeping at this point. I open a cupboard and knock a bunch of coats off their hooks- I am angry!!! Angry angry angry!!! It made a noise. The anger jumped onto him- my neighbour- I feel furious with him (because I made a noise), and that’s when I discover the ‘more’ of the situation. The ‘more’ being- what else is going on here. I see that I do not allow myself to make any noise, and then of course, this translates to- ‘no one else is allowed to make any noise.’
As a child I was told off if anything was loud- cupboard or car doors banging, even chewing or breathing too loud!! In retrospect I can see that this was simply due to the adults around me being in their minds- any noise snapped them back to reality- a reality which they would rather avoid.
So here I am now- 34 years old and still living by the rules, (and holding everyone else to the rules too). I think it’s about time I challenged that particular rule, don’t you?

Happy Tuesday every one. It’s sunny and beautiful here, even through these sleep deprived eyes 😉

change what’s inside and the outside changes.

So, my noisy neighbour. Things changed.

Every time he woke me up, crashing around his flat like a bull elephant, I felt the annoyance, I cried the tears. I got up, out of bed and wrote…and wrote…and wrote. I looked at what memories it was triggering- I looked at where else in my life similar situations were playing out, I looked at where I was being noisy (internally or externally). Then I slept well- for 3 solid nights. Bizarrely I thought nothing of it.

After that, I got a message from my neighbour asking if the noise had reduced- I realised it had, I asked what had changed. He has covered the bare floor with rugs!

Enough said.

​Back to the heart where there is nothing to say. 

There is nothing to say from here. Words rise and then fall away, noiselessly- I look on. I feel sensation arising in the body. Fear and guilt and all manner of qualities. I look on. Nothing to say from here. 
I was going to tell you about my blood test, but now it has passed. I sit on the sofa in quietude, gently pondering my plans for the next few days. I can feel the temptation to get into thinking about it. To begin worrying about it. To start trying to control it. I must resist the pull- there is nothing but pain there. Once I am caught by a thought, once I believe just one- I am sucked as if by quicksand, into misery. Best thing to do for me, for now, is to touch not any thoughts at all.

Blessed be.

The weakness of ‘not good enough’

​I was reading through fellow bloggers posts this morning, finding such beauty in the words of these complete strangers. Strangers in one way, yet I know them all- the way they weave their words, describing with such eloquence, the beauty of Being and the challenge of our shared humanity. 
Then (and he didn’t come as a surprise), I notice a greyness approaching…a familiar voice comes in- I would bet everything that you know him too. He is the one that says, in one form or another – that you are ‘not good enough’. I watch him creep into my awareness subtly. He is grey and sly, he sneaks in through the back door. If I wasn’t paying attention he could get in unnoticed- then before I realised what was happening- he would have sprawled himself out on the sofa, dropped crumbs everywhere, turned the tv up too loud, and basically taken over my home.

But I did catch him this time, and, as innocuous as he may appear at first, I know that if I believe his gentle enough opening lines, he has got me- I will find myself inviting him to stay, and- based on previous experience- he is one of the hardest house guests to evict- he is one who long overstays his welcome.

I look at him and see his weakness. His bold, harsh, critical words- all a masquerade. 

I’m not interested. 

He came in to tell me that my writing ‘isnt as good as other people’s’, I look him square in the eye and say ‘so what? It is an expression moving through me right now, I’m not in competition.’ That flummoxes him- he has no power without my collusion, and he has no choice but to slip silently away. Leaving me to free the stream of words onto the page. I have no doubt he will be back, but he isn’t getting supper in my house anymore- he will have to find seek his nourishment elsewhere.