the finding of me

Mindfulness practise highlights stuff. It brings your ‘issues’ under the spotlight, and this is beautiful (albeit uncomfortable). From that place of awareness and acceptance there is the possibility of change.
Today I find myself pulled in many different directions. I feel I need to write blog posts everyday- because I said I would, I feel I need to go and pick worse flowers to made cordial- because I said I would to a friend, I have jobs to do here at home, things I promised myself I would do, instagram challenges that I have been nominated for so feel I must do! Small things, yes. Things that play on my mind if I don’t fulfill them.
Increasingly of late I have been looking into the causes of this ‘toxic shame’ that is said to be the cause of my kidney failure. One person said that self judgement is the cause of toxic shame- I would hasten to agree with that. Shame arises within me whenever I fail to live up to whatever I imagine another person wants of me. If I am sitting with an Awake Being and I am not Awake- shame comes. If I am with a wealthy person and find I cannot afford something- shame comes. If I am with a very angry person and I feel compassionate – shame comes! Imagine the challenge of being in a group of people! impossible to meet all those imagined expectations- some imagined and some real I guess.
So what is the answer? As I sit here on my sofa, dog curled up beside me- I acknowledge that without trying to be what I imagine others want of me I have a long blank beautiful canvas of a day stretching ahead of me. Nowhere I need to be. The only thing that I must do is eat and care for Diego dog- both of which are joy for me.
Who would I be and how would my days look if I stopped doing what others want me to do and do what I need? I literally have no idea. I’ve never tried. Of course I have had periods of life where things have been so busy that I have had to ignore the requests of others (energetic or spoken) and tend to myself. But mainly- it’s been a feeling of getting pulled around.
I think about someone and they ring me and I find that I was picking up on their energy coming towards me. Leaving me confused about who I want to talk to, who is right for me. I carry out the thoughts of others on their behalf. I don’t know what’s mine and what belongs to another. Pulled around by the collective soup of desire I find myself challenged to finish tasks, or even to decide which tasks to start. As I write this clarity comes…boundaries is the word that comes to my mind. Who would I be without all of this people pleasing, who would I be if I didn’t adapt to make other people comfortable? Who am I underneath it all- I don’t mean the ultimate Truth of who I am but rather the unique flavour and texture of my Being expressing itself in the world.
I have to think back for this. To examine the things that have brought me joy (or rather connected me to my joy) always. Then things clarify a little. Animals- especially horses and dogs have always done this, as has nature, birds, gardening, writing, reading. Since I was a child- these are my things.
So off I will go now- onto the forest to gather those gorse flowers for my cordial- that was me, that was my desire. It got muddled because I wanted someone else to validate it- to say it was a good idea, to reassure me that its not indulgent, that it is good to do the things I want and that connecting with nature and brewing potions is a beautiful thing. I write now to validate myself. In the knowing that in looking after me, there is one less job for the world to do.

I hope that you, whoever reads this- are living in clarity and peace. I hope that you are connecting to your inherent joy and expressing yourself in the ways that call you.
Om Shanti
xoxo