breaking free

I am awoken in the middle of the night by my neighbour, again. I see my phone flashing and pick it up. It’s a message from a dear one, sharing that she is processing a lot after a recent conversation with me. Gripped again, by fear, fear of her potential anger. It’s nothing to do with her- at all. She has been a beautiful helper on my path by raising up this icy terror in my pelvis. There would have been a time I would have blamed her, but on this night I bow to her soul in genuine gratitude. The very same feeling arose the other day. It arose when I went to collect another dear one from the airport. There was a heap of traffic and I was a few minutes late- it struck terror into me- terror of being told off- terror of receiving the gift of another’s anger. Of course, nothing actually did happen- only kindness ensued. But the trigger was strong. I can’t find it- the point of trauma that set up this pattern. Nor do I feel I need to, to be honest.
As I lay here in the dark silence of the early hours of this Saturday morning, it feels like something wants to break free. As I lay and hold this fear, this coldness, this clogging of my sacred sacral chakra, my chalice of wisdom, centre of all creativity, I feel power radiating. There is the ice present, yes. But something else wants to move now.
I am feeling so done with manipulation and victimhood as a mode of protection. I am so done with rolling on my back in supplication to avoid being on the receiving end of someone else’s expression of displeasure. There is a feeling that my whole life I have been trapped by my desire to avoid anger. That my manipulation by people pleasing has trapped ME entirely and that now that feels far too great a price to pay for illusory safety. Now, I desire freedom too strongly to box myself in like that anymore. And so, on this auspicious night just after mid winter, A releasing of that old pattern has begun, and I pray for a new way.