the core of fear

For a couple of weeks now, I have been busying myself, starting a tonne of new stuff, seeing lots of people.Yet, when I tune in to this body-rest is what it is calling for. Deep deep rest. I’m exhausted. Running on sugar and adrenaline. 

I have a blood test on the 11th and I am petrified. That is what is underlying the busyness. I don’t want to rush, it’s just I’m so fricking scared. When I sit and feel that fear, when it washes over me- it’s ok, I can bear it, but what follows is harder- the feeling of deep aloneness. I live alone, and I have never felt more alone in my whole life. I have the most wonderful dog. He sits beside me through everything, he knows the fear will pass, he maintains his Silence. Deep wisdom resides in his Being. Yet still this aloneness bothers me. It is like the World is empty. I feel so vulnerable that I find myself still hiding all of this and holding all for others too. It’s too much.

I want to rest and be held.
I pray for the courage to keep resting and keep holding all that arises, including this deep Al-oneness.

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